Wrap-Up

This is it, last blog of (probably) my life. It was fascinating to scan back through some of my old posts and relive my experiences. Funny thing, I wish I had done that a couple of weeks ago because it gave me inspiration to write more about what I was doing daily, something I've been neglecting of late. It's funny to see how most blogs were written in Alpaugh, when there was very little to do, and the fewest back on campus when I was meeting up with old friends and doping around. I'm satisfied that I attempted and finished an Americorps blog. I sometimes had to force myself to write but it was well worth it in the end.

I've been very negative about my team lately (in my head, not outwardly), and it's something that has got me thinking that negativity is how I naturally respond to situations. Knowing that the end is near, I can finally let loose and be angry with the people that have frustrated me for the past 10 months. And they are probably doing the same. Yet, it's something I'm learning from as I go. I came to a sad realization yesterday that every action that my teammates perform that angers me tends to be the very actions that I undertake regularly. It's completely unjust for me to be having the angry thoughts that I have. But I've figured that out, and it's cast a different light over the last week here in Sacramento. a spirited and upbeat one. I always have a choice of actions, and I will never make the right one 100%, but if I'm savvy enough to gauge how I feel after it, I can slowly change my actions to more satisfying ones. And I want to make people happy, to make them laugh, relax and feel comfortable, not to belittle them. There's an attitude choice that I've made lately, and it's one I will stick with. Maybe you all will see it in me next time we meet.

This program, in hindsight, is so bizarre I have difficulty capturing it in words. 10 months of life, put on a team of randomly chosen kids my age, packing and unpacking, constantly moving around and readjusting to new settings, cooking food for 8 every night, managing 1 van, trying to stay calm amongst too many opinions. For almost a year, I existed in a vortex of difference. Nothing was the same as it had been in college, playing sports, traveling with family (although there were parallels to studying abroad) or living at home. And I did it willingly, because I wanted something different, a unique experience that I could look back on and be proud and satisfied that I tried it. Now here I am, looking back. It's nothing I could have expected, yet I knew that coming in. And even knowing that, I couldn't prepare for the weirdness and surprise of it all. But at the same time, it became normal. By mid-November, it was just my life. Now, in hindsight, it was totally insane. In a very, very good way.


My biggest fear in leaving Americorps NCCC is falling back into the old routine. I've been subjected to difficult and monotonous work, and it has spanked me in the butt. I've grown up here, but now, in my opinion, comes the hardest part: Bringing it all back into my normal life. Because my normal life is living in the Northeast, with family and friends. All the lessons that I have learned here may be washed away when I step foot in Albany airport. Why not? I'm back in familiar territory, with the same people I've known my whole life. Americorps NCCC allows one to completely forget what just happened, to have a different experience but not remember it. It's going to be very, very difficult to reinsert myself into an old life, but with a new Dan. And it's not important to you reading this, but it's important to me, because I like how I am right now. I'm enjoying learning about myself and new people and places. If you care about and know me, you'll understand from these blogs that I am very different, but that it's a positive difference. If you've learned anything from these blogs, it should have been that we can all be open about our feelings, our mistakes, and our inner thoughts. There's no reason it can't happen. Don't be afraid to let your guard down, because people interest people. Hopefully, you have all learned a lot about me from these blogs, and it will make you feel more comfortable and open with me in the future. And please, keep in mind that any one of you can do the same thing I did, or at least something similar, that allows others entrance to your thoughts and feelings, essentially your lives.

There's one last thing I need to mention before I close this out. It's one of the broadest statements there is, but it's a reminder we all need, more often then we realize I think. There exists a ton of people that aren't lucky. We think of luck as winning the lottery or scoring an interview, and that is indeed lucky. But have you ever thought of "unluck". It's losing your job as a teacher because you were 1 year away from tenure and the school system you were in was in such bad economic state that they needed your tenured salary for themselves. Or, as a teacher, being rotated through a consistently contracting school district's classrooms, never able to attain stability. Or being neglected and shunned because you left Mexico to find a home and work in America. Or losing your land and livelihood because the government wanted to restore it back to it's natural state. Or being mentally disabled, not able to wipe your own ass, or even know what "wipe" means. Or being bullied as a janitor by the school district to work more summer hours in sweltering heat. Or living on the street. These are the people that got a little "unluck" in their lives. And it's little fault of their own. So when we go out to restaurants, bars, festivals, concerts, and other leisure activities, consider that we could, with a little "unluck", be drinking freeze-dried milk with 2 hungry children, begging for extra food at a street corner, or enjoying life only after a handle of alcohol. I've learned, seriously, that there is not much different between us and them. Keep that in mind.

Thanks for tuning in everybody. It's been a helluva ride. Dan out.

LAST 2 Negative Thoughts Before The Big Finish

1. The last week in Reno has turned into a free-for-all in the kitchen, a make your own dish affair. Suprisingly (although unsurprisingly at the same time), it turned into a freeloader fest, as a couple teammates prepared some food (both so it didn't go bad in the fridge and because they were hungry), and the rest ate it and ran. It felt like real camaraderie amongst the team last week, that those who ate but didn't cook would help clean-up or help in some other facet of the meal. Alas, when the cooking schedule broke down, the majority got the food, praised the cooks, then ran back to their hiding places. I wish it true that these teammates were just oblivious to what they were doing, but after 9 months of cooking and eating together, we all know what it takes for a meal to be prepared. This last week was just a chance to gain an edge. It's a great representation of my team, Green 6. Our motto: Do only what is required of you, and even then try your hardest not to. I was worried coming into the program that the level of do-goodedness would be out control and I would struggle to cope with high levels of pretension. Never would I have guessed that I would have been the do-gooder on the team. People are people no matter where you go, and we are all just trying to survive. A tough lesson I've taken away from this experience.

2. Oftentimes I set up lists on Sundays or during the week of tasks I would like to accomplish, and, on rare occasion, I actually finish them before the night is over. It's a huge relief, like a weight has been taken off my shoulders. Then I look around at my situation and realize that I have nothing to do. So I figure what will be on my list tomorrow and start on that. But it only makes the list longer the next day. This can't be how life is lived, but I'm getting the feeling it is. Shucks.

Whirlwinds

It's all spinning out of control. 2 weeks of work. 3 weeks total. The end of an era. E-mails abound. Network, network, network. Constant list in my head to check off. Only spite and resentment towards teammates. Why have they not matured through this program like I have? Only grown-up on this team. Would it have been different had Virginia boy stuck around? Would I have had to step in as father/mentor/leader? Why so hypocritical? Read, read, read. 270 of 450 pages done. 1.5 weeks to return book to library. 180 pages left. 12 days left. 180 / 12? 15 pages per day. Can't skip a day or recalculation needed. Are networking e-mails aggressive enough? Too aggressive? Too simple? Unprofessional? Who knows. Just keep writing. No time to stop and relax. More check-offs needed. Exercise for an hour. Run? Lift? Which muscles? Just say "fuck it"? Soccer, soccer, soccer. Sports? Am I capable? Competent? Stay relaxed, that's how the pro's look. Always relaxed. It really doesn't mean much, all in your head. Reeelllaaaaxxxxx. No time to relax. Check through old e-mails. Write again? Just say "fuck it"? Hate phone conversations. Extremely nervous, fast heartbeat. Rather meet in person. Stop interrupting them Dan! Does everyone feel this awkward on phone? Growth, change, learn. Some things never change.

Of 2 Minds

Americorps NCCC has been a spectacular kick in the butt, the jumpstart I needed to move forward with my life. Traveling was incredible: 4 communities, 4 different tasks, 3 different states. Where else is that amount of diversity available? It's enabled me to meet 7 people I would not have known otherwise, and each has provided a new outlook on life and a different world view, a refreshing change of pace from the stuffiness of private college and simplicity of small town living. The work we accomplished over 10 months has allowed full-time workers to not have to work overtime, to gain a few more hours with their families. We made an impact, whether on students, small town folks, mentally disabled children, or warehouse workers. My life has made an about face because of this program, and I will always remember its lessons moving forward.

Americorps NCCC, while having great ideals, is an inefficient program that completes unnecessary work in an untimely manner. It's members arrive hoping to make a difference, but often leave moaning about what a waste of time it was and their desire to leave. There exists a complete disconnect between the administrators making the rules and the corps members that need to follow them, leading to bitter attitudes and utter anger towards authority. We work hard for nothing; The jobs we do are not only periphery, but dreadfully boring. Moving in groups of 10 is difficult, tedious and frustrating. Surviving the enduring tensions and squabbles of teammamtes is not something anyone should have to experience. The program aims to quash freedom of expression for uniformity and consistency. I often felt mistreated and neglected. Numerous times I looked up from my work and wondered what the fuck I was doing with my life. 3 months maybe. 10 months, I'd never do it again, and can't wait to go home and restart my life.

Group Decisions

Weekends are highly regarded in Americorps NCCC, as they represent a chance to travel, move autonomously, or sleep. Quick tangent: So roughly 5 of my 8 teammates religiously take naps. We get an hour for lunch during weekdays, and they return to our Science Lab / Kitchen, scarf down some food, then sleep for 30 minutes before returning to work. I've never been a napper (unless I'm on a long car ride), so I have trouble understanding their motives. They always wake up groggy and stupid, so why do they do it? I have no idea. The most annoying part about it is that only Team Leader sets an alarm, so I have to go wake up everybody else 5 minutes before we leave, resulting in that just-woke-up wide eyed stare/glare that says, "why did you wake me up you bastard?" So this is what elder sibling's responsibility feels like. My sympathies to all you older brothers and sisters out there.

Back on track: Weekends. Throughout the week there is talk of how the upcoming weekend will be spent. There are 3 possible responses to ideas brought up:

1. Serious Interest - The group latches on to the idea like ticks in an animal shelter. Enthusiasm abundant. Other teammates push the idea, even help to organize it. Although 1 or 2 naturally oppose the decision, it gets passed through congress and the house, and the president signs it into law. We go out and do it that weekend.

2. Shoot Down - The idea gets shot down. The idea's architect is resentful and less prone to support other ideas. Everyone quickly moves on with their lives.

3. Mild Interest - This is where things get interesting. The proposed idea gets mild interest, generating responses like "that's a good idea, I'd like to do that." Notice the lack of commitment in that reply. Mild interest ideas receive a modest following, but it's generally spurious interest. The time to potentially do the activity comes around, and still nobody is sure if it will happen. We all wait around for somebody to initiate it. Finally, the idea gets brought up again, and the same uncommittal answer is received. Ultimately, we don't do it. Mild interest ideas generally don't get done.

Quick example: It's a Saturday afternoon, the whole team is back at the school, talking on the phone, making lunch, or sitting down staring at a wall. Team Leader has taken the van to go to the gym (our school gym doesn't have enough weights or machines for his liking.) He'll be back in an hour. We've heard of this giant sporting goods store called Scheels that is located in an outdoor mall complex about 10 minutes away, so one girl proposes we go there. There's also other shopping options, some outlets, etc. The idea generates mild interest. We wait around until Team Leader returns, than a majority commits to going, but in an hour or so. As the hour passes, people get involved in streamed reality shows or phone conversations or continue to stare at the fascinating wall. Another hour passes. The idea gets brought up again, and we all say "Yea, let's do it, just give me a couple minutes." 30 minutes passes. Eventually, some girls realize that they could do laundry and go to Borders to use free wireless internet (which we don't have), and that idea is met with serious interest by 1 other person, the minimum number of proponents requisite for attainment. The idea of going to Scheels came up first, but because it produced mild interst, it never happened. Mild interest is idealism; Ideally we would like to go to Scheels and the mall complex, but in actuality staying home offers just enough to deem it not worthwhile.

I've learned to avoid these curious and sometimes obnoxious group equivocations by taking the van by myself at odd hours. Lately I've been watching World Cup games at 7 AM, way before anyone else has awoken. In fact, I usually get back before anyone has eaten breakfast. Mornings are the best bet. I have until about 11 AM to get the van back. I suppose I shouldn'thave been so apologetic towards older siblings earlier in this post. I never knew they had such good morning hours to avoid brats like me.

Reno, Nevehda

It's Nevaahda. Not Nevawda. The locals get grumpy when you say Nevawda. So think of a baby crying: "Weeeaaahhhh". Get rid of the 'W', throw in the 'eeaahhhhh' and that's how you say Nevada. Annoying, but acceptable. The new spelling of Nevada, however, is Nevehda.

We stormed into Reno this past week, with only Team Leader getting more than 3 hours of sleep. I got back to Sac in a haze of wedding disorder and shell-shock at 2 AM. But I wasn't packed. Pack, sleep, wake up by 7 AM, drive baby drive. That first day was a blur and a half. Only the next day did I wake up to fully realize that I was living in an arts, careers, and technology charter school a stone's throw from downtown Reno.

Have you ever lived in a school? No? It's like a bad dream where you wake up and are forced to live in your old Earth Science classroom. You can do wahtever you like to the room. Shove the tables in the corner, stack the chairs on them. You want to take down the posters? Sure. But by no means does it become a bedroom. Now it's just an Earth Science classroom that you sleep in, on uncomfortable cots about shoulder length wide with two metal bars running lengthwise that are great for bonking your head on at 3:30 AM following a rollover. There's one computer desk in the corner that, while anyone sits at, immediately promotes them to teacher-of-the-room status. It's required of the computer user to sneak sidelong glances at the rest of the room, as high school teachers were prone to do. It's like some spell is cast as soon as you sit at the teacher's computer, a spell necessitating that the user knows what is happening beyond the realm of the computer screen. OK, that's enough. We live in a school. Our kitchen is the Science Lab. It's weird.

Reno itself isn't all that bad. To repudiate my prior claims and set the record straight, Reno is not, in fact, a dessert, but a city perched 5,000 feet above sea level (for some perspective, Denver, the mile high city, is 5,280 feet above sea level). The city has a great view from every angle: It's surrounded by the Sierra Nevehda Mountain Range, some of whom have snow on their tops. So as you desiccate yourself working outside in 90 degree heat, the mountains leer down at you, just daring you to swipe some of there snow off their summit's and plop it on your neck. Every bar has some form of video poker in it. Dangerous. Reno's a really simple city, easy to get around, little traffic, everything available in 15 minutes or so. Gambling is synonymous with Reno, but it can be avoided, leaving a fun little city to enjoy. I don't particularly mind it at all.

Been here one week, job's good. We're moving desks, tables, chairs, electronics and anything else school's use to educate around a warehouse, getting it prepared to be replaced, reused, or trashed. We will be changing jobs weekly or biweekly, and are left mostly in the dark as to what we will be doing. But who cares. 4 weeks left. Fuck it.

Quick funny story. I watched the USA-Slovenia World cup game from a downtown casino at 7 AM on Friday morning. Apparently, Reno casino's are not soccer hotspots, as I was alone at a table in the bar area. Of the 12 tables available, I was the only one seated. A couple degenerate gamblers sat at the bar, not interested in the game. I got some breakfast, sat down, and watched the game. USA scored two goals in teh second half. At the first one, I individually stood up, clapped my hands and yelled at the TV screen, drawing a few puzzled looks and stirring from teh bar members. When USA tied it up with the second goal, I jumped into the air and started high-fiving the bar dwellers, and to my surprise, they matched my excitement with whoops and high fives of their own. I don't know if they knew what was going on or even that soccer was a sport, but they seemed happy to have some new blood in their casino (except one really old curmudgeon who threatened to kick my ass if I ever shook his hand again.) On the third goal that was disallowed (awful call) I yelled so loudly that the kitchen staff came out to see what the commotion was, and I had to tuck my tail between my legs and explain to them that I had celebrated prematurely. Luckily, most of them were Latino and understood the game of soccer. They stuck around to watch the rest of the match. I even got the casino manager interested in the match. Just spreadin' the appeal of soccer throughout the globe.

Predictions #1

Reno Odds:

1. Our task at the Washoe County School District is all-intensive. Our time and energy are put towards weekday hours. We are too tired from the week to do much more than explore Reno, save one weekend where we hit up South Lake Tahoe. Unable to stand each other anymore, the "team" splinters apart, resulting in a drunken street/casino brawl, complete with flying chips, smashed cocktail glasses and giant bouncers escorting us out. We go home without any legal repercussions. Chances: 2%

2. Same as 1, but the Reno 911 cops show up, imprison us in a cell of comedy overnight, then forget to keep watch and we walk out. We are on tv, and become celebrities overnight. Chances: 5%

3. I continuously forget to apply suntan lotion to my face and arms. The dry dessert heat slowly melts my constantly peeling body. I go home in a world of pain and misery. Chances: 3%

4. I continuously forget to apply suntan lotion to my face and arms. The dry dessert heat slowly bronzes my muscular body. I go home and get all the babes. Chances: 10%

5. With the end in sight, I drink heavily as I count down the days until we finish. Eventually, I lose track of my sober existence, my team disowns me, and then leaves me in Reno. I live out my days a hopeless and homeless bum. Chances: .01%

6. I come up with the idea that Reno should rename itself "Las Vegas, But Cheaper". It is met with much fanfare, and I am immediately hired to run a variety of city real estate ventures. I fanagle it so that I end up owning multiple lucrative luxury casinos, and live out my days philanthropically. Chances: 20%

7. I decide that I do actually want to go pro in sports, start up the Reno Pro Curling League and win the championship every year. Chances: 2%

8. I slowly find myself seated more and more at the casino's poker tables. This time is different, however, because my new volunteering alter ego can't stomach winning other folks' money. I realize my destiny: To siphen off all of my stipend money from the Americorps program by purposefully losing at the poker table. I'm dead broke as July heats up, but I know deep down that this is stupid, but the volunteerism has taken over. There's not going back.
Chances 57.99%